2015

Today I am going to tell you about a few things that I would like never to see again, and no, they are not my usual litanies about War, Rape, Injustice, Power and grand subjects like that. They are only little annoying stuff that really irritates me and, a bit of fun too, since, hey, it’s New Year!

I will begin with Chewing Gum. I hope that I will never again see Anyone chewing gum in public. Full stop! End of story! I mean, Heavens! It seems people are chewing gum Everywhere: At funerals? Yes! At weddings? Yes! In parades? Yes! President Obama? Yes! Now, really, Mr. President, if you had, in fact, stopped smoking (as you said you had) when you became Prez then why, six years later, do you still need gum? And, to chew at public affairs and state meetings? Tsk! Tsk! Would you though, and everyone else for that matter, stop masticating in public? Pretty please? It is so unbecoming!

Next on my list are Spaghetti Straps. Now you ladies with whom I share a gender, spaghetti strap tops are cool when they are worn with a strapless bra. Strapless bra, ladies! And, it is so very déclassé to flaunt your bra straps underneath your thin spaghetti straps, especially if your bra color clashes with your top! Bras and Panties are called Underwear for a sensible reason – and, no, I’m not priggish! So no more! Please!

And, since we’re talking fashion here, flip-flops are cute but, not in Winter, not Everywhere, not Anytime! Fashionistas, please?!!

Garment makers insist on attaching an extra button to that nice top, or the cute sweater that I bought. That was an extra added touch that the haute couture designers came up with, because haute couture clothes lasted for umpteen years, by which time if you lost a button, you probably couldn’t replace it as it couldn’t be found! So attaching that extra button made sense. But the top and sweater that I bought yesterday from the mall might last the season or, maybe two. After all, they are made of the flimsiest materials and they’ll probably wear out before I even need that extra button! So is that extra touch supposed to give me the illusion that the garment is haute couture? Do we really need more illusions in our sorry world? Not, I say!

And, if one more retail clerk asks me if I’d like to get their store credit card, I am going to shout bloody murder!

Now I have to talk about foods (includes drinks, herbs etc.) that “keep you young, healthy, detoxify, prolong life, yadda, yadda, yadda!” Have you paid attention to the fact that one study tells you this is good for you, the other tells you the exact opposite? Think eggs, coffee, butter, milk, soya etc. etc. One pseudo-scientist writes a report extolling the virtues of some food, the inane media repeat it (because they have to plug in something or the other about health in their boring formats, not because they’ve researched its validity!), the irresponsible print media publishes it  . . . until another pseudo-doctor issues the counter argument and on and on and on. Please note that many of these so-called doctors and scientists are paid by the lobbyists and corporations who are pushing this item or that for their own nefarious and monetary reasons. Their so-called studies are conducted on two and a half people, over three and a half days!!! (OK! I am making a bit of an exaggeration here!) I remember Oprah on one of her shows going on and on about Water. Drink Eight Full Glasses a Day. Drink until your Pee runs Colorless. Really, I thought? So a 300lb. person and a 100lb. person need the same amount of water? Someone working outside in the scorching sun and a couch potato? An athlete and your grandmother? It’s the same for most hyped stuff! This leaves us to do our own research and to arrive to our own informed opinion. My Sensible Formula: Eat as healthy as you can, organic whenever you can, exercise reasonably, have a positive disposition, a dash of common sense and, hope that you have inherited good genes and you’ll be just fine! Seriously!

And, while I’m at it, that “scientific study” that said that the two most bacteria-laden items in your home are your toothbrush and your sink sponge? Well, lo and behold, before the ink had even dried on that “study” our retail markets were flooded with ads about newer, better toothbrushes and bacteria-resistant sponges!! Ah! Capitalism! Always inventing Opportunities for the cretins they think we are! Well, I don’t know about you, but a once-in-a-while good soaking in vinegar of both these items pretty much takes care of all the bacteria!

That germs and bacteria are everywhere is a given. That they are not all of Ebola crisis category is kind of . . . under-stated? The fear mongerers want us to believe that they are on every door-knob and handle that we touch; on every light-switch; every computer; every piece of cutlery in any restaurant; any money we exchange with anyone; on every can at the grocery store etc. etc. etc. By the end of a day of this hype, we’ll all be wondering if we’re even going to wake up tomorrow! The sadistic media love doing this to us! Don’t allow them! We all need a reasonable amount of exposure to germs and bacteria in order to keep up our immunity and resistance and we definitely do not need to be over-sanitized! Has every shred of common sense evaporated in America?

Frankly, I think it has. Let me tell you about “Experience.” See, the lucrative Marketers stumbled upon this word several years ago and, since then, everything in this country has been turned into an Experience (preferably with sexy innuendos and sexier actors): yes, going to the dentist, too! The Marketers will even put a spin on cleaning the toilet so that you are enjoying the Experience of that chore! After one of my husband’s hospital stays, and barely had we come back home, when I received a Survey from the hospital. Two Questions got me: How would you describe your Experience with us? Will you come back and stay with us? I gulped! The hospital is now an Experience? Come back and stay with us? No, believe me, I would really prefer never, ever, to come back and stay with you! What are they? A cruise company, a spa, a fancy vacation hotel? I went ballistic and wrote a scathing note! Well, after that I received a call from the hospital apologizing at which I vented some more poison! Marketers want every “Experience” to seem like Fun and Laughter! Guess what, America, not everything is Fun and Laughter, and trivializing Everything in this absurd manner is marketing gone way awry!!

And, guys! Guys, do all of you who are over forty really have low T(testosterone) as all this inundation of recent advertising is telling you? Really? And do you really need a pill so you can keep it up for four hours? Is that what it takes so you’ll feel manly? Listen; now that Big Pharma has ka-ching-ed on sagging women over fifty who want to have eighteen-year-old breasts, they want to snare you and ka-ching on convincing you that your fifty-year-old thing-a-ma-jig should have the stamina of a sixteen-year-old! Seriously now? And at the expense of screwing up your heart and kidneys and goodness knows what else? Are you such imbeciles? Truly, Big Pharma is the most criminal and lethal drug-pushing cartel in the universe! And while I do concede that many of us need a pill for this, that, or the other condition, and many of us could die without certain medications, we also need to be very wary of plying ourselves with pills for invented conditions and every little headache or sleepless night! Enough of that, no?

And America, can you get over your fascination with the British Royals already? I mean, what’s up with that one?

I could go on and on! However, I’ll leave it here . . . and now, I think I’ll just roll me a joint, imagine a better tomorrow for our world and sip my vodka as I wish you, my FB Friends, my Twitter Followers, my e-mail Recipients as well as all my Readers: Thank you for being the Glowing Candles that light up my heart!

Happy New Year!

Welcome 2015!