Category: 2016

I was invited to a tea during which a new Palestinian organization was introducing itself. My daughter, my adopted daughter and I walked into a lovely home and, after greeting our hostess, we walked towards the area where the guests were gathered sipping their tea and munching on the sumptuous delicacies laid out. As I glanced across the room, I saw a woman with beautiful all-white hair talking energetically with another guest. I realized immediately that I knew her very well, however the name eluded me! Ah, those many Senior Moments! Anyway, by the time I had walked over to greet her the name miraculously appeared in my mind’s eye!

“Ellen?”

She smiled and looked at me quizzically. We all have Senior Moments, I guess!

“It’s Hala Jabbour.”

“Hala! Of course!”

About thirty years melted away as we hugged, reconnected and remembered the numerous occasions during which our paths had crossed, the many meetings, activism and emotions of that long ago time when we were both involved with Israeli-Palestinian peace issues and with all the hopes that made it all seem so close at hand and, yet, that were shattered quite rapidly and tragically.

I reminded her how I used to say that, if I went out for a smoke during the many heated dialogue discussions, I would feel very comfortable with her speaking on my behalf. That’s how much I respected and trusted Ellen.

You see, Ellen is Jewish. She is a nurse by profession who was working at the Gaza Hospital in the Sabra and Shatila Palestinian Refugee Camp in 1982 when the massacres on that camp occurred. Consequently, Ellen testified before the Israeli Commission of Inquiry that indicted Ariel Sharon for his involvement in that atrocious massacre. She still goes back to Beirut, Lebanon every year on the commemoration of that terrible memory.

“Your mother,” she tells my daughter, “is a courageous woman who dared to participate in dialogues with Jewish people when such an idea was still very taboo.”

And it was quite bold, especially prior to those Oslo years when we were all apprehensive, wary, worried, somehow reluctant of participating in dialoguing. However, we did it anyway and moved forward believing that peace between our two people was not only possible, but necessary for both. Most of us who believed in that worthy movement have persevered throughout these dismal years, relentlessly hoping against all hope that the elusive peace will happen one day as it should. Unfortunately, since then, much that is positive, and many horrors and bloodshed have occurred.

Ellen is a wonderful woman, a terrific activist and a proponent of peace who first realized the plight of the Palestinian people in 1972 (before which she had no idea) whereupon she worked with Palestinian and Jewish groups in London, went on to support the Israeli Peace Movement in the US with special focus on the IDF soldiers who refused to serve, and proceeded from there to help start the Jewish Committee for Israeli Palestinian Peace. Encountering her that afternoon was another affirmation of our commitment to that peace and of both of our unrealized ongoing efforts in that regard.

That same week . . .

Upon my suggestion, my book club is reading “Mornings in Jenin,” a beautiful novel about the Palestinian catastrophe written by an extraordinary Palestinian woman, Susan Abulhawa. In the meantime, one of our members had invited another interested person to join our book club. That woman gladly accepted. However, as soon as she was told about our current book selection, she said that she preferred not to attend and that, moreover, she and her husband had discussed “Mornings in Jenin,” read about its content and that she would not read the book, adding that “this is not really what happened!” Needless to tell you, the woman is Jewish.

When I was told about her reaction I was quite literally blown away! How could any educated, reasonable human being be unwilling to realize that there are Always two sides to a coin and that the Israeli narrative is certainly not the only Truth out there; that there are undisputed historical facts and accounts that no one can ignore and call themselves knowledgeable. How can Anyone dismiss someone else’s agony and distress so flippantly? How would such a person react had I, for instance, offhandedly dismissed the Holocaust simply as one of the sad consequences of an atrocious war? She would have been rightfully aghast! So how could she dismiss the entire Palestinian narrative as “that’s not really what happened” when I am a first-hand witness of that tragic event and history having lived it daily since 1948? Was she even there, or did she just listen to the racist, bigoted Israeli propaganda narrative? Denial? Willful Blindness? Racism? Bigotry?

So compare and contrast, my friends!

On the one hand there is a super woman named Ellen Siegel and the many Jewish people like her and, on the other hand, you have that other Jewish woman – and the many Jews like her – who dismisses my catastrophe with one appalling phrase: “that’s not how it happened!” Seriously?!!

It is fine to stand in solidarity with one’s people. It is not fine to be so close-minded in a warring world that needs more heart and less muscle.

However, indignant as I am about this story, and furious as I may be about the criminal behaviors of some Israeli settlers and at the Israeli Government, I have to admit in all fairness that there are many Palestinians and Arabs who are just as bigoted and as close-minded as this woman. Many of those have, over the years, told me that I am naïve for being broad-minded about my desire for peace between Israelis and Palestinians; of my genuine belief that belligerence and animosity only breed more of the same. Some have even gone so far as to call us peace proponents: traitors! Quite unbelievable!

Compare and Contrast, my friends!!! Truly Quite Remarkable!

Life is always throwing challenges across our path. There are days – even long periods of time – when those challenges simply become too much to cope with, keeping in mind that the threshold for when things become too overwhelming vary with each individual. Occasionally, we might snap and become unbearable ourselves due to trials, and, often, we rebalance ourselves and somehow find the resources inside us, or from external elements, that will aid us in overcoming our situation.

I guess you wouldn’t be surprised when I tell you that I have had numerous challenges thrown my way during my seventy-three years of life. That’s not different from most people in our world, right? Often, I coped, and coping does not come without a price – sometimes a small one, more often a big one. During very stressful periods I often neglected my own health; made stupid decisions; sometimes became very forgetful and distracted such as neglecting the gas range on and leaving the house only to come driving back like a maniac to turn it off; went to the bank to get money and was walking out without it; forgot the grocery bags in the cart and drove off; forgot my handbag on the roof of the car after loading my groceries and sped off; wore my sweater inside out and realized this only when I was at the store! The list can go on, however, I hope I made my point here for all of you beating yourselves up for having similar experiences during those stressful periods in your own lives. The long and the short of it is that we should all try to cope as quickly as we possibly can with any stressful feelings before they have much of an impact on our own lives, as well as those of our families.

There are other challenges also, such as those of us who have children experience constantly. And, again, sometimes these situations are benign and even amusing in retrospect, at others their effects linger for long and, maybe even forever.

Rawiya (not her real name), a beautiful eighteen-year old, from an affluent and well-known Palestinian family I knew very well, eloped with a young Palestinian freedom fighter, a fedai, the romantic hero of those late-sixties years. Her father immediately disowned her, with instructions that no one in the family was to contact her. In his opinion, she had challenged his entire raison d’etre! Rawiya and her husband lived in a refugee camp, had three children and she visited her home only after her father had passed away when she saw her mother and siblings for the first time in twenty years.

Then there was Jack, who during his young teenage years loudly listened to Metallica and other heavy metal CDs in his room. His conservative and traditional father admonished him on numerous occasions, berated him, called him a degenerate and had nothing to do with him until: you become a human being!! Well, as teenagers are prone to do, the more his father shunned him the more rebellious Jack became. So Jack comes back home one afternoon with an earring. As soon as his father noticed that he kicked him out of the house! Jack spent the night at a friend’s house. When he went home the next day, his father was waiting, furious and fuming! He sat his son down and told him that he had to throw out his CDs and remove his earring, or else get out and never come back. Jack packed a few things and left! It was several years that were agonizing for the whole family before they finally made up.

You might ask yourself here, as I often did upon hearing similar stories: why the hell do we do these things to each other, especially within our own families? There were no crimes committed in either of these two illustrations to entail such violent reactions. And you might come to the conclusion, as I did, that we really have to learn how to pick our battles in life, and that not every time a child opposes us in rebellion, or goes against our wishes because they are convinced they know better, should we declare war! No wonder there are so many unnecessary strained relationships and needless belligerence and heartache within our own families, let alone communities, countries, the world! Most of them could be easily resolved by using reason, wisdom and good judgment rather than pure flexing of wills.

In the late eighties I was attending a Palestinian women’s conference in DC. I wasn’t making a presentation that day, however, the coordinator rushed up to me about a half hour before the panel on Assimilation was to begin and informed me that I was to give a talk since the scheduled speaker had not shown up. I was not prepared at all, and had no idea what I was going to say. Miraculously, it went very well, after which I was talking with a group of about six women who congratulated me on my informative speech. But, they said: that last part when you said that it was okay for our sons to pierce their ears and wear an earring was really not in our culture and traditions and you shouldn’t have mentioned that. Well! My own son had pierced his ear that year and I genuinely thought that it was cute! Here again: Do we battle with a teenager over an ear piercing, or keep our battling for a more vital and important issue to the rest of his/her life? Isn’t balance a sadly missing ingredient in our judgments sometimes?

Fast Forward: The year was 1995. I am having a nice conversation with my two sons in our sitting room. Son Number 1, shirtless, stands up to go to the kitchen. I see a tattoo on his back, not too big, colorful.

Me: “Is that a tattoo?” They had become a fashion statement for the young.

Son Number 2: “Yes. It’s one of those that washes off, though.”

Me: “Oh, good! I’m glad it’s not for real.”

Laughter! Snickering!

Son Number 1: “No, Mum. It doesn’t wash off.”

Me: “It’s for real?”

More Laughter! More Snickering!

“It is.”

“Come here let me see.”

It is real. No, it is not going to wash off.

Me: “Well, at least it’s on your back. It will be covered.”

A bit of time passes and then there’s a second tattoo, bigger, bolder, more prominent this time, yet more of a fashion statement!

I did not blow a fuse, or have a snit. Frankly, I surprised even myself by not doing so! However, I realized that both my children were now an integral part of their peers and the culture of the times and that, while I had hopefully taught them right from wrong as they were growing up, it was now my time to step back into the shadows and to let them be part of their community of youngsters and to make their own decisions. That is not easy. That is especially difficult if we see that our children are erring and blundering along their way, which will most likely occur. However, disowning our children, or throwing them out of our homes, or out of our lives is an option that I would hope is one that parents do not resort to. It is too painful for all concerned, and very rarely a solution.

Unfortunately, in my own Arab-American community there are countless stories of this kind that sometimes end in tragedy. The same scenario is going on throughout the major capitals and cities of most conservative and traditional societies that have been modernizing and opening up to the rest of the world within the last fifty years or so. The biggest challenge for these societies is to hold on to the beautiful and useful traditional and cultural aspects of their civilizations while adapting to the twenty-first century. It is not as easy as it sounds!

Stress is part of life. Challenges will always be there. Earrings and Tattoos? Smoking a joint, or two? Not worth a war with our children! There is much more at stake for them as they meet the numerous challenges of our most recent century.

Actually, I have a mind to go and get me a tattoo. I really think it might be quite fun!